I just heard about another friend who is getting divorced after just a few years. It truly shocks me how many marriages I have already seen fall apart. (Background - I’m 31 and I’ve been married for 7 years.)
The news got me thinking about how we choose a partner to marry. Thinking way back to my dating days, I have to admit that I got caught up in superficial, unimportant things. For example, I’m 5’8” and I never wanted to date anybody shorter than me. This was pretty much nonnegotiable. (I’m sure you can see where I’m going here.)
Anyway…one day, I went to a bar with some coworkers and ended up taking the seat next to a cute guy that worked across the hall that was already there. After hours of talking, we stood up to leave and only then did I realize that I towered over him in heels.
I’m only slightly taller in bare feet, but I still think my younger, more ridiculous self would have cared if I wasn’t already completely smitten by the time I figured it out. I don’t know for sure, but I think there is a decent chance I would have overlooked the fabulous man I married if we had met while standing instead of seated at a booth.
I also got to thinking about one of the odder divorces I’ve seen where a couple split after about 5 years when they couldn’t agree whether or not to have children. This one always baffled me a bit because it seems like one of those things you’d work out before saying “I do”. I suspect there is more to this story, there usually is right?
So not that anybody is asking, but my advice to dating couples is to talk about the really important stuff and don’t worry quite so much about what type of music or books or movies or whatever each other likes.
How do you think about money? How many children would you like to have? Is this person fundamentally kind? What are your nonnegotiable areas where you won’t compromise?
If you match on the basics, you can happily coexist even if one of you loves ESPN while the other has an unhealthy addiction to HGTV and you have totally different taste in books. Trust me on this one.
Whenever I hear a divorce story, I just feel sad for everybody involved and thankful for my husband. I’m not exactly sure what the point of this post is other than just taking a moment to say I’m grateful for my marriage. So universe - thank you for my man and my babies. I'll do my best to treat them the way they deserve.
15 comments:
I am always amazed when I hear about the end of a marriage, although at my age (45) is seems more to be because of growing apart after the intense parenting years are over. I have been married for (gulp) 22 years and the thing I have learned is that you have to put your relationship with your spouse first even over the kids. You can't be strong parents if you aren't first strong as a couple.
I agree. We're 10 years strong, but the only way a marriage can be strong is to work at it. I feel like couples mostly give up because they don't want to go through the paces to make it work. Sometimes, you have to fight for your relationship, even if you're fighting each other. John and I have come to terms with what we both want out of the relationship, and how we want to parent our child (still working out the kinks on that one), but we listen to each other and try to do right by each other. Makes for a happier coexistence. :-)
I so agree with you on this. It's so important to share the same values about things. Family, money and the like. Hubby and I are matched wonderfully. We are both happy about that.
Have a terrific day. :)
I was married for 11 years...I've been divorced for four. We dated for almost 5 years and discussed everything under the sun before we got married and swore that we were in it forever. Things happen, it sucks and sometimes there is nothing you can do to prevent it. He decided suddenly that he wanted out and you can't make someone stay who does not want to be there. Unfortunately sometimes things happen that are beyond your control. It's really sad and hard to deal with...not something I ever thought I would have to face.
I look at people who are so called 'happily married' and wonder ..... cause you just never know.
Needless to say, I don't plan to ever get married again.. It's not a game, unfortunately some people think so.
sometimes i think people give up too easy too. like it's just easier to throw in the towel than work at it.
I know of someone who got divorced for the children reason too. The thing was that he said he wanted them and changed his mind. She couldn't bear it so they split. I think she's much happier now anyhow. Not sure about him.
I agree that you need to talk about the big stuff before you say I do. I went so far as to write them down. That way there wasn't any confusion. Cid hit the nail on the head. It is the marriage first, children second. I always said that someday the kids would move out and I didn't want to be left with someone I no longer knew and who no longer knew me.
You're so right! There are so many times that I find myself thinking, "And you didn't know that BEFORE you got married?" It is simply beyond my understanding that people would get married if they hadn't discussed finances, children, their basic goals in life, etc.
I know that some people do discuss these things, and it still ends up not working out. But at least I feel like they gave it a fighting chance before they got hitched, you know? Sometimes I think people really do "grow apart." That's one of the things I make a conscious effort to avoid in my marriage (time will tell if it works...)
It is sad to hear about the end of a marriage. I've been married 10 years and we've had difficult times. We just get through them together.
I liked this post. I also liked that you talked about the younger you. The younger me loved romance (read: melodrama) and people who were passionate about the same things I'm passionate about foreign lit and grammar. Luckily for me, I fell in love with a rational and calm engineer who complements my flair for the dramatic with sensibility and pragmatism. ;-)
Whenever I hear about a divorce, my first thought is always about the children. They always seem to take the brunt of the divorce and there is nothing they can do about it.
That's a great story about meeting your husband.
Fifteen year, and even though we've given the tree a few shakes, we're still in it to the bitter end.
I'm 6'2. I once had a girlfriend who was 6 feet. When I wasn't wearing shoes and she had heels on she was taller. It was kinda sexy.
I hear ya, I have a ton of divorced friends too. We're only married six years (tomorrow, actually!) but we are still going strong. This is the first adult relationship I've had where we hashed our wants and needs out in the beginning and moved forward together. Now let's see if we can survive parenthood.
I did get divorced before realizing some of the key things you need to know before you get married -- namely, that you cannot fundamentally change someone or "fix" them. You have to love them and accept them as they are. It was a hard lesson to learn but I'm glad I learned it. My marriage now is a keeper.
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